Listening the First Time

Are you super tired and frustrated from telling your kid a million times to do something?

Well, let’s see what we can do about it. 

First, it’s important to note that ignoring parental requests is just a part of development. It’s gonna happen. BUT, there are plenty of strategies we can use to lessen the frustration and increase responsiveness in our children. 

Let’s start with the why?

Why is your child not responding? Why do they seem to not even hear you until the 10th time you’ve said it?

Are they just ignoring you? Did they not hear you?

UGH! Just put your stinkin’ shoes away already! 

There’s a lot going on in any given situation so it’s important to take it case by case and see what’s really going on. If we want to solve the problem, we need to know what’s at the root of it. 

Things to think about:

• Is your child distracted?

• Do they understand the direction or task?
• Are there individual circumstances to keep in mind?

Is your child distracted?

Sometimes it is as simple as getting your child’s attention. If your child is watching tv and you walk by on your way to the kitchen and say, “Hey, can you put your shoes away please?” it’s likely you’re not going to get a response. 

Most children will be too absorbed in the tv program to turn their attention to you and the request. So you ask again. They then respond with “what?” and you ask again, and they say “ok” and keep watching tv and you’re getting frustrated and they aren’t putting their shoes away.

Try this instead: 

You walk in, see the shoes on the floor while your child is watching tv. Walk over to them, make eye contact, say: “Can you pause the tv?” they pause it, make eye contact again, and ask “Can you put your shoes away please?” Hopefully, they look down, see their shoes and go put them away. Back to watching tv and off you go to the kitchen. No fuss no muss. 

Alternatively, your child could get an attitude, whine and complain and we move to next strategies for that which we can talk about another time. 

The important thing to remember is to make sure you have their attention when you give directions. A lot of incidents could be avoided if we slow down and respect what our children are doing. They might be caught up in the middle of their favorite show, or really focusing on their tower or drawing and here we come just talking at them and giving orders to do something. As adults, we’d be annoyed, and are, if and when people do that to us. A little respect for your child goes a long way. 

 Does your child understand what you're asking?

Sometimes we don’t realize the reason we are being “ignored” is because our children don’t understand what we’re asking of them. If you tell your child to do something and they just stare at you, or stay stuck in place, that’s a good sign they feel confused or overwhelmed. I’ve been caught in this situation a few times. I become irritable that a child isn’t doing what I asked, only to realize that they don’t know how to do it or are overwhelmed by the size of the task. As parents we tend to use broad statements such as, “get ready for bed” or “it’s time to leave” and we expect our kids to start doing things accordingly. Depending on the age of your child, even up to pre-teen years, they probably need more specifics. It’s too overwhelming for them to think of all the steps, and too difficult not to get distracted on the way. 

Here’s what to do:

Break it down. Keep it simple and be specific. If your child is younger, try giving them reminders in simple phrases. For example, start with, “shoes, please.” then “what’s next?”. You can guide your child through the process without overwhelming them if you keep it short and sweet. 

For older children, try writing a bulleted list in a common space that they can refer back to as they complete tasks. Pro tip: Grab a scrap piece of paper, write the list out, and tape it on the wall in their bedroom, or hallway where each child can see. This worked wonders for my 7 and 9 year old foster placements when I wanted them to do tasks before we left the house. 

 Does your child have individual circumstances you should be aware of?

Every child is different. Obvs. But let’s not forget this when we are expecting our kids to just do what we say, when we say it, no questions asked. Hey, if this works in your family, great. Cheers. But for a lot of children and parents this isn’t the case. What individual circumstances involving your child do you need to remember and adapt to? What are their struggles, sensitivities and triggers? Do they have ADHD and become defiant or distracted easily? Are they overtired and dysregulated? It’s ok to take it easy on your children. It’s also ok to want them to do what you ask them to do. If you need help discovering your child’s needs and help adapting to them, schedule a call with me. Let’s work it out together!

Most parents, if not all, get frustrated with children not listening and following directions. Don’t worry. Focus on observing and understanding your child as you try to figure out why they’re struggling. Knowing the why behind the struggle will help you determine how best to respond. You got this!