Transitions can be one of the toughest parts of the day. Parents often find themselves repeating directions, negotiating endlessly, or feeling like they’re begging their child to cooperate. A simple shift in wording can make a big difference: try using “First…Then” phrases.

What Is a “First…Then” Phrase?
A “First…Then” phrase sets a clear sequence without opening the door to debate. Instead of “If you do this, then you get that,” which can sound like a bribe or an option, “First this, then that” communicates a boundary and order.

Examples for Cooperation:

• “First shoes, then outside.”
  
  
• “First teeth, then story.”
  
  
• “First helmet, then bike.”
  
  

Examples for Patience:

• “First I make the snack, then we’ll eat.”
  
  
• “First I help your sister, then I’ll help you.”
  
  
• “First we wait for the light, then we cross the street.”
  
  

Examples for Work Before Play:
“First/Then” is also powerful when kids want the fun before the responsibility. Parents can hold the boundary while still showing support for their child’s feelings.

• “First homework, then play.”
  
  
• “First reading, then TV.”
  
  
• “First chores, then games.”
  
  

This teaches children that responsibilities come before rewards while giving them a model of calm leadership, even when frustration or disappointment shows up.

Why It Works:

• Clear boundaries: There’s no wiggle room for negotiating or bargaining.
  
  
• Predictable structure: Children know what comes next, which lowers anxiety and resistance.
  
  
• Authority without arguing: Parents remain in the leadership role, giving direction instead of asking for compliance.
  
  
• Builds patience: Kids learn that waiting has a sequence too — they can trust the parent’s lead while practicing self-control.
  
  
• Encourages responsibility: Kids experience that work comes before play, with support from their parent through the process.
  
  

The Key Difference:
“If/then” can sound like an invitation to discuss: If you brush your teeth, then we’ll read a story. Kids may hear that as optional or negotiable.

“First/then” is a statement of order: First teeth. Then story. It closes the loop and ends the debate.

Tips for Success:

1. Keep it short. One or two words are enough: “Helmet. Then bike.”
   
   
2. Use it for waiting. “First I cut the fruit, then you’ll have your snack.”
   
   
3. Apply it to responsibilities. “First homework, then TV.”
   
   
4. Stay calm and consistent. Don’t argue, just repeat the sequence.
   
   
5. Follow through. The power of “First/Then” only works if parents stick to it.
   
   

Transitions don’t need to turn into battles, waiting doesn’t need to cause meltdowns, and responsibilities don’t need to become endless negotiations. By shifting to “First…Then” phrasing, parents can hold boundaries, reduce power struggles, and add stability to their child’s day.

Try It Now: “First/Then” Scripts for Everyday Life

• Morning routine: “First clothes, then breakfast.”
  
  
• Bedtime: “First pajamas, then story.”
  
  
• Playtime cleanup: “First blocks in the bin, then we’ll get the puzzle.”
  
  
• Sibling patience: “First I help your brother, then I’ll help you.”
  
  
• Outings: “First we pay, then we eat.”
  
  
• Safety: “First hold hands, then we cross.”
  
  
• Responsibility: “First homework, then play.”
  
  

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